Breaking the news to Marshall that the father of my baby and I were engaged to be married was beyond tough. Marshall and I didn't have any set-in-stone relationship status, but it was clear how we felt about each other and I had implied my intention to break up with Boyfriend. Marshall was winning and he knew it. I knew it too, so why had I said yes to Boyfriend's marriage proposal?
All I can come up with is because that's what my plans had been for so long, I couldn't seem to change them. Even if I knew that Boyfriend and I didn't have much chance of making it.
When you get pregnant young everyone feels the need to chime in about the "right" way to do things. (Especially religious people.) My family was completely amazing, which surprised me more than you'll ever know, but there were still comments from people at church, friends who didn't understand, teachers, strangers, etc., etc. EVERYone has an opinion and isn't afraid to share. Most of the opinions involved how much my son "deserved" or "needed" us to be a complete family. I didn't believe I should marry the wrong person just because we had a son together, but on some level I guess I did because that was why I said "yes".
I have attempted to write about breaking the news to Marshall for over a week now, but I can't find the words. It seems to be just too precious to convey. I wanted to tell you about the house and the porch and the beautiful day. I wanted to tell you about the way he looked at me, the look of betrayal and loss in his eyes. I wanted to tell you all the things we talked about as we sat there for hours staring at the house across the street, about the moment I realized I'd made a terrible mistake.
All I can say is that Marshall was much, much more in love with me than I knew. I had absolutely no idea how much he was into me and by the time I realized how much he cared, it was too late. I was already wearing a ring that promised I would marry someone else. Marshall's heart was shattered.
He told me on the porch that day that I would regret it. He told me that he could give me everything Jack couldn't give me and I would come to realize that. He told me we would have been the greatest love story ever written. We both cried.
And Marshall was never the same again. Something broke inside him that day, and I never saw that original New Kid again. Marshall stayed in my life for nine more years (and counting), but the man behind the face changed dramatically and never changed back. A big part of me is still looking for him.
All I can come up with is because that's what my plans had been for so long, I couldn't seem to change them. Even if I knew that Boyfriend and I didn't have much chance of making it.
When you get pregnant young everyone feels the need to chime in about the "right" way to do things. (Especially religious people.) My family was completely amazing, which surprised me more than you'll ever know, but there were still comments from people at church, friends who didn't understand, teachers, strangers, etc., etc. EVERYone has an opinion and isn't afraid to share. Most of the opinions involved how much my son "deserved" or "needed" us to be a complete family. I didn't believe I should marry the wrong person just because we had a son together, but on some level I guess I did because that was why I said "yes".
I have attempted to write about breaking the news to Marshall for over a week now, but I can't find the words. It seems to be just too precious to convey. I wanted to tell you about the house and the porch and the beautiful day. I wanted to tell you about the way he looked at me, the look of betrayal and loss in his eyes. I wanted to tell you all the things we talked about as we sat there for hours staring at the house across the street, about the moment I realized I'd made a terrible mistake.
All I can say is that Marshall was much, much more in love with me than I knew. I had absolutely no idea how much he was into me and by the time I realized how much he cared, it was too late. I was already wearing a ring that promised I would marry someone else. Marshall's heart was shattered.
He told me on the porch that day that I would regret it. He told me that he could give me everything Jack couldn't give me and I would come to realize that. He told me we would have been the greatest love story ever written. We both cried.
And Marshall was never the same again. Something broke inside him that day, and I never saw that original New Kid again. Marshall stayed in my life for nine more years (and counting), but the man behind the face changed dramatically and never changed back. A big part of me is still looking for him.
1 comment:
I never had a "one that got away" but apparently I was that for someone. Right after my wife and I got married in 2008, I got on the facebooks for my class reunion (i didnt go, sick kid, among other reasons). My wife helepd teach me a valuable lesson is relationship perspective from people who are still into you when you arent into them,
thanks for sharing this
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